What Goes Wrong on College Drop-Off
And 5 Ways to Get It Right
It’s college drop-off time!
The reverse of when you first brought your baby home from the hospital, sending them to college (or otherwise off on their own) is a seismic shift. It’s a big deal and a big day for everyone, so here’s a public post about 5 ways to get it right:
1. Don’t wait until goodbye to say “goodbye.”
Any good therapist knows not to wait until the last session to say goodbye to a young adult. That’s because it’s common for college-aged clients to spend their last session talking frantically about some argument they had with their roommate or to miss the session altogether. It’s the young adult brain being overwhelmed by the chaos of transitions, and it’s them protecting themselves against feeling sad. So whatever deep, meaningful stuff I want to say to a young adult client, I say it in the next-to-last session (or even before).
Likewise, if you’re dropping your kid at college, don’t save goodbye for when you leave their dorm. Roommates and their families may be awkwardly standing around. Hallmates and RAs may be noisily walking by. Either way, your child’s brain is going to be focused, not on the end of an era, but on the beginning of one. They already know you love them, and now they need to be thinking about being liked by their new group.
For this reason, if you’re hoping for some poignant, cinematic farewell on drop-off day, you might be disappointed. Why didn’t my child say they loved me? Why didn’t they hug their sister? Why did that other family look like they were having a better goodbye?
Agree to do hugs and goodbyes at the hotel or the car or a restaurant before you drop your child. Have your “You’ll always be my baby” or “Thank you for being such a great kid” or “Don’t forget to use a condom” talks in the weeks and months before college starts. In the moment, keep it light, convey confidence (in them and you), and dare I say, be positive!
2. Consider not crying (much).
Maybe I’m the only mom on Earth who didn’t cry at college drop-off, but I didn’t. Why? Because I was really, really happy for my kid. (And don’t forget: You probably are too.)
As parents, we would take bullets for our kids, and in this moment, you might feel like you are. Sure, some tears may be shed, but let your happiness for your child be bigger than your sadness for yourself. Let college drop-off be more about what your child is gaining than about what you are losing.
One of the greatest gifts my grandmother gave me was that she always seemed happy for me to head off on my own life, whether I was leaving for college or after a holiday with my kids in tow. The older I get, the more I realize how much she might have liked for us to stay longer and the more I admire the love and strength it took not to let it show.
College students often feel guilty about how lonely their parents are without them. On this very exciting (and maybe even scary) day, don’t give your child something to feel bad about.
3. Make your “goodbye” a “see you soon.”
I give this same advice to my twentysomething clients who get homesick. Put Parent’s Weekend or Fall Break on the calendar and make your “goodbye” a “see you soon.”
At college drop-off, I was surprised when my very extroverted, very ready-for-college kid said “See you at Fall Break” instead of goodbye. It was a tiny hint that, even for him, leaving home “forever” was feeling very big. (Then, when we didn’t see him at Fall Break because he made plans with his new friends, I was happy for him.)
Because school holidays often wind up being consumed by college and high school friends, consider swinging through your kid’s college town for lunch or dinner sometime. Or get one-on-one time driving to or from breaks. Several hours of captive catch-up time in the car is precious; even better if your college kid does the driving so they can’t be on their phone.
4. Suggest the walk-and-talk.
The best time for many students to call mom or dad is when they’re walking around campus, on the way to and from class. That way they’re calling when it’s convenient for them and when they’re in the mood to talk. (And, college students are more likely to be in the mood to talk if they know the call will be brief.)
Texting is convenient—and you’ll do a lot of it—but help your twentysomething hone their relationship and conversational skills by making phone calls part of your routine. That said, a scheduled, weekly call with the family usually feels like a chore. The walk-and-talk is more fun, and it communicates the sentiment, “Call me anytime!” And of course, hearing your child’s voice helps you know how they’re really doing, and it gives you both a chance to say, “I love you.”
5. Remember: Life is going to get better—for you both!
The other reason I didn’t cry at college drop-off is because I love college students and twentysomethings, so I was excited to finally have one of my own.
When I was a young mom, one of the most useful things an older, wiser mom said to me was, “Every stage is fun.” As a twentysomething specialist, I can tell you that working with twentysomethings is indeed a lot of fun, and it’s incredibly important too. Your child is about to embark on figuring out their answers to life’s most defining questions: Who am I? What will I do with my life? Who will I love? What is my purpose? There’s nothing more meaningful than being there for the ups and downs.
Help your child look forward to adulthood by looking forward to their adulthood as well. Research shows that, across every decade of adulthood, people are happier and healthier than in the years that came before. Role model curiosity and confidence as you embark upon the next chapter of your lives. Think about what’s ahead—for you both—rather than about what’s behind. As difficult as college drop-off or first semester may be for you (and maybe even for your college student), life is about to get even better than before.