20 Truths About 20s Friends
And How To Have Them
In the past week, two parents and two twentysomethings have reached out to me about how hard it is to make friends in young adulthood. It’s also hard not to feel like, as a parent, you need to fix that—or, as a twentysomething, there’s something wrong with you or there’s nothing you can do.
Here are 20 things to know about why it’s normal to struggle with finding friends in your 20s–and what exactly a twentysomething can do:
The 20s are some of the loneliest years of life. In some studies, young adults are even lonelier than the elderly because, even if older adults live alone, they have memories and visits and photos and phone calls. In young adulthood, you don’t yet have partners and kids—and you don’t know if you ever will. That’s hard!
Friends are life support. With the average age of marriage hovering at around age 30, friends are the main support system for twentysomethings—and we imagine the 20s as an incredibly social time—yet friends can be tough to come by. Why?
Friends are scattered and scattering. As people leave school and move around for work, a rolling stone gathers no moss, as they say. A twentysomething I spoke with last week had three jobs and four roommates in one year. Her closest friends from high school and college now all live in other cities and states.
Ages are different. Growing up, we are surrounded by same-aged peers. Then in our 20s, we’re released out into the wider world. It’s harder to find your people when they’re suddenly mixed in with everyone else.
Schedules are different. Compared to older adults, young adults have more varied work schedules—days, nights, weekends—so it can be tough to get together, even with people you do know.
It’s not (all) about the phones. It’s easy to blame devices for young adult social woes, but the above structural factors are more at play. Of course, when you’re feeling lonely, it doesn’t help to see other people out having fun. But phones also make it easier than ever to connect and make plans—so use them for that.
Be the first to text. It may feel risky to be the first to reach out, but if everyone waited for others to approach them, then no one would ever have friends. You’ll have more control over your social life—and your happiness—if you get over yourself and initiate some plans.
It’s not personal. If someone doesn’t message you back right away (or ever), it’s usually not about you. According to what twentysomethings tell me in sessions, the reasons for not replying often go like this: I have ADHD and I forgot. It was a crazy day at work and I didn’t see it. I’m having a hard time and have been avoiding people.